Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My Two Fathers - Part One


How funny. I feel more vulnerable posting my poetry onto this blog than the stories or the photos that I have already shared with everyone. The two poems from the Previous Post were written when I was about fifteen or sixteen years old. The earlier Post, Childhood Playgrounds (Home with Foster Parents), also, brings my memories back to my 'Fathers'.

Part One:

Do You see? I wanted and needed to Believe. Growing up, I would take myself away to my fondest memories of my Father. I ran to them. They sheltered me from all the pain and confusion that had surfaced during my adolescent years. At times, I tried to believe, there were memories hidden cleverly away in my mind. Memories of Him. Memories that only held the pain and brought forth only questions. In all my attempts to bring forth any images hidden, none had ever surfaced. As the years past, I felt close to them. My memories of my Father awaited for my return knowing very well when I would need to head Home.

It was the night of our Wedding and we had just arrived to our hotel room. Moments before, my Parents placed my Adoption Records in my hands and wished us luck in our search to find my Siblings in Korea. I reassured them that we were not going there with the intent to rediscover them. I told myself, that it would be impossible to locate them knowing only their names. I reassured myself that it would be an impossible search. Besides, this was our Honeymoon. I was happy with the thought of going there to step down onto 'My Motherland'.

The hours could not past fast enough. We could not sleep nor wait for our trip to begin. Restless, my husband picked up my Records and read as he sat in the hotel arm chair under a dim light. I wanted to read over it as well but felt very anxious and had too many thoughts running through my head. He sat there trying to pronounce my Mother's name. "Kim, Chan Im." I heard it again. I realized that I never knew or had forgotten her name. "What does it say...what is my Father's name in the Record?" I walked over to the chair and leaned over the forms. There I saw it. His name was, Yoo, Bok Man. "Aah...I always Knew that." I repeated his name to hear it again. "Why didn't I remember Her name? " I asked. If I knew it when I was young, why didn't I try to remember it all these years. Why didn't I care? I did not want to go through my "101" questions & answers to self discovery that night. I smiled at my husband and recalled my favorite stories of my Father.

We sat there very happy and giddy as we continued to read more from the Records. And there it was...the Bio-Mother and Bio-Father records. Their life summed up into a little paragraph. I read it over and over with tears that did not know how to stop. We read on until we came across my Personal Data. They had summed up my Childhood into AB &C. Three little paragraphs that explained a thousand memories and and brought forth an unwanted image. It was here in these words,'Her Foster Father'.

I knew I lived with a Foster Family along with an endless line of other children. It wasn't until this moment that I suddenly felt that familiar vagueness. My Father. I closed my eyes to see his image but it is blurred. I closed my eyes and saw myself walking along side of him feeling warm, safe and happy. But, this time when I looked up at him, I saw only more confusion and more questions. Who are you in my Dreams? Is it possible that ALL these years I had wanted to believed these visions were of YOU. Was it possible that You were a collection of the few fond memories that served only to protect me from All that had haunted me.

A few words on a page brought hope and uncertainty. It broke down my Walls and told me to Enter. To go forth with no expectations only to Dream. My Two Fathers. They will guide us there. They will bring us back to My HOME.

1 comment:

kyungmee said...

Just checking to see if comments under indivudual post are working. Currently, the Followers and General Comments links at bottom of Blog home page is not showing. Trying to fix problem. But anyone can leave comments under individual post. Once you write your comment,You have to CHOOSE from drop down window labled "comment as:" to show from what profile user. Example: I am member of google.

Related Posts with Thumbnails