It's Friday night, and I am a bit 'happy' from the Sangria that we just had from a great Portuguese restaurant! All thanks to a friend that had recommended the restaurant to us! It's only a few minutes from where we live..but never knew it existed! Well, to good food and great Sangria!
Well, I wasn't sure if I should be writing tonight being that my mind isn't quite where I would like it to be..but I miss writing here. This is where I feel I can talk about my family that seems so far away. Don't get me wrong, I can easily pick up the phone and call but our distance, our inability to communicate and our many years of separation keeps me apart. I believe this is true for them as well. Also, you may have noticed, but I have been going back and adding to the previous posts as corrections or to make them into longer pieces.
So I write...
The Waiting
I have waited sitting here for some time now. All I know is that I have watched the children come out and play and return back into their classrooms. I am hungry and admit tired from the waiting.
I walked back to the swing set and sat down on the old wooden seat. Grasping the dust between my toes, I kicked the dirt and watched it whirl around my sandals. I leaned forward, held on tightly,and watched the world upside down. I smiled and imagined the children walking head down and bumping into one another like little colorful marbles scrambling out into different directions to find their own special dwellings. As I sat there staring into the field, my imagination broke to the sound of the alarm that rung throughout the school yard. The voice from the speaker had led the children back into their classrooms.
I was alone again. Nothing to entertain me as I waited there for her. I quickly jumped off the seat and leaped onto the cement walk that created a border around the school yard. I stood there high on top of the little wall to look ahead at the rectangular cement building that stood in the middle of this yard. The playground was quiet now. The echoeing voices of laughter disappeared behind the sound of heavy wooden doors closing in response to the voice that came over the speakers.
I began to walk stepping one foot after the other as I balanced myself on the wall, thinking of all the fun we will have and how she would tell me stories of what she had learned that day. I hoped we would practice my Hangul, my name and our Flag. I repeated my steps as I watched the widows of the classroom become larger and larger. I jumped off with one big bounce, dusted off my legs, and stepped up onto the long corridor. All I could see was rows and rows of shoes that lined up along side of the walls, disappearing down into the long hallway. I took a deep breath and began walking down, counting the doors that led to my sister.
I could hardly see into the classroom. The little window sat very high on top the door. I counted the shoes, once, twice and then again. I had already spotted my sister's shoes sitting their neatly in a row but I counted again. I could hear their voices again, some laughter, and then quiet. I sat back down to lean against the wall and to stare out into the boxed in yard. It was hot and the dirt field seemed to reflect back to the sun a golden haze as the dust whirled into little cyclones that danced across the school yard.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
KyungOk: The name I had forgotten
I am reading over my own Blog and am thinking about my sister, KyungOk. My mind is searching for her as it flips through my early years, until at last, I pull forth a very special file. You see, all these years, my mind has kept it apart from the rest of my memory box. My brother, KyungJin, has been residing there by her side as long as I can remember. It was during those stormy and lonely days that I would run to my room, close my eyes and pull from my mind this very file. It contained only a few short memories and images of my sister and brother. I tried many times to browse through my mind in hopes to encounter and rescue their missing pieces. Every time I looked, all I found was nothing.
I turned to the few memories of my sister, KyungOk, during those early years in America. No terrible questions, anger, resentment, loss, or pain hid inside this space. It only kept a few treasured pieces of images that brought me back to her. My mind was clever. Once in it's grasp, it did not let go. For it knew that if the thoughts escaped, there would be no tracing them. A nameless file that held my happiness and covered me with it's warmth. My only wish was to know her name. To be able to call out her name when I needed her the most.
Many nights before my mother would turn off the lights, I sat on my bed writing down in Hangul all their names, words I knew, and my favorite Korean foods. Then, the void rushes forth and everything turns to dark. I cannot remember her name. I cannot see her face. It frustrates me. I know I have to keep trying and keep writing my Hangul so it would come back to me. I sit there writing until my mother walks in and tells me to sleep. She smiles at my Hangul and tucks me in. She kisses me and turns away. I close my eyes and dream of her. It is here, where I no longer need to be sullen over my nameless sister. I am connected to her. She who is living with strangers like myself. Thinking the same thoughts. Wondering when we would go home.
I turned to the few memories of my sister, KyungOk, during those early years in America. No terrible questions, anger, resentment, loss, or pain hid inside this space. It only kept a few treasured pieces of images that brought me back to her. My mind was clever. Once in it's grasp, it did not let go. For it knew that if the thoughts escaped, there would be no tracing them. A nameless file that held my happiness and covered me with it's warmth. My only wish was to know her name. To be able to call out her name when I needed her the most.
Many nights before my mother would turn off the lights, I sat on my bed writing down in Hangul all their names, words I knew, and my favorite Korean foods. Then, the void rushes forth and everything turns to dark. I cannot remember her name. I cannot see her face. It frustrates me. I know I have to keep trying and keep writing my Hangul so it would come back to me. I sit there writing until my mother walks in and tells me to sleep. She smiles at my Hangul and tucks me in. She kisses me and turns away. I close my eyes and dream of her. It is here, where I no longer need to be sullen over my nameless sister. I am connected to her. She who is living with strangers like myself. Thinking the same thoughts. Wondering when we would go home.
Monday, August 3, 2009
My Mother, My Sister, My 경숙: POEM TWO
The Cycle
They carried an inner silence.
Behind the light, they shared a hidden tear.
One awaking cry shattered their walls.
Oh! The children and the pain they fear--
The thrust of the hand
Is the marking now engraved.
From the apartment next door, a knock
And the pleading cry of our brothers.
Mother.
But she does not hear.
Mother is calling!
But she does not see what she is looking for.
But she does see someone--
Whom?
It is her own reflection.
Mother.
They carried an inner silence.
Behind the light, they shared a hidden tear.
One awaking cry shattered their walls.
Oh! The children and the pain they fear--
The thrust of the hand
Is the marking now engraved.
From the apartment next door, a knock
And the pleading cry of our brothers.
Mother.
But she does not hear.
Mother is calling!
But she does not see what she is looking for.
But she does see someone--
Whom?
It is her own reflection.
Mother.
My Mother, My Sister, My 경숙 : POEM ONE
Roots
There is the tree
With flowers to bloom
I see its leaves dancing
Within this morning view
I feel the pain in its roots
As it grasps to breathe
The richness of its soil
Offers it warmth
And the greenness lives on
As its arms do stretch
Standing in the far distance
I do see how I too
Am part of these roots
That feed this tree
There is the tree
With flowers to bloom
I see its leaves dancing
Within this morning view
I feel the pain in its roots
As it grasps to breathe
The richness of its soil
Offers it warmth
And the greenness lives on
As its arms do stretch
Standing in the far distance
I do see how I too
Am part of these roots
That feed this tree
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
My Mother, My Sister, My 경숙
Scars, Tears, and Laughter
Where is my husband? Oh yes, he is sitting tall on the small couch, peeking over, and a little removed from all the tears and laughter that encircled this table. I look over my shoulder to see him, to be reassured. He smiles back to me and I know where I am again. I feel home. I can feel my hand is wrapped in warmth and is protected. I turn and see her. She is holding my hand as she speaks, she is telling a story. My eyes circled the room, the table, and back to my sister, KyungSook. I heard the words fill the room but could not understand her. I felt frustrated but it did not seem to matter. All I wanted and needed was to know we all were there, together.
Then she spoke to me. "KyungMee. Yes. Scars. Here. Yes." My heart filled with immediate wave of emotions. She began speaking, pointing to her body, and redirecting my attention to her words. "KyungMee, Sorry before. True. Yes. Scars". My eyes filled with joy and then tears as they watched my sister and brother nod their heads in remembrance and forgiveness. I looked over to see my husband but he had already come to my side. He sat, smiled, and replied back to me. "She wants to let you know she remembers. You are not crazy". All I could think about was that she gave truth to my memory. My mind began to race as the old familiar thoughts rushed in with their open end questions. I wondered, why did she tell the translator earlier that she had no scars, that she never had a child nor was married before. Yes, she must have been embarrassed, shamed perhaps. It didn't matter. Time had stopped that night. Twenty some years I had waited to hear the word,"Yes"! I would get my answers another day. For that moment, this was all I needed.
It is All Blood to Me.
The night was closing in and the narrow street ways lit up with lanterns that hung along the store windows as if to show the festivals had begun. For us, it was late and we needed to head home. My eyes searched through the crowd as I felt my brother pulling me forth towards home. I glanced quickly as the puppet shows came and passed. I smiled at the men who sat there eating their noodle soups. I wanted to stop and eat the Ramen soups but was reminded with a little jerk that we were late.
As we approached our house, my brother and sister picked up their pace and headed towards the doors. I looked up to see my brother frozen, staring his eyes into me. I was scared. What did I do? I was tired and could not keep up but now I am here...what did I do? My sister grabbed his arm, pushed him aside, and peeked into the room. I realized that I did not do anything wrong? Something was wrong inside. I heard my oldest sister's voice crying. I wanted to see but my brother would only push me back. My sister pulled me away from the house doors, crying, "KyungMee, don't come here." "Wait. No!" What was wrong! I began to cry out loud. I could hear my oldest brother now. He is yelling at her. There is noise coming from inside the room. I hear it hitting the wall then the floor. My brother is sitting at the door crying. My sister is hugging him. Frustrated and feeling confused, I ran around them to push the doors open. As the paper doors slid apart, my brother grabbed my side and pulled me to him. I saw it. It was red. Red was everywhere. Then I heard my sister again. She was hurt. I sat next to my brother and sister crying and holding them close. I was too afraid to look. I did not understand. All I knew was red.
Memory My Dream
Time and time again, my thoughts go back to this memory. They click by like snap shots of an old reoccurring dream. I managed to block them until I reached my early teens. Then, once more, I could not hold them back. Pictures, flashes of red, telling me to revisit that moment. Every time, I rewind my thoughts, I came to the same conclusion. This was the moment that led to our separation. It was the last time we were all together. I then wonder, who was in the room? Was it my brother? Was it my sister's new husband? My mind goes back to my sister. Although, I cannot see her face, they are very clear now. I see her scars. I am sure this is not a dream. I tell my Mother of my visions and she recalls some old stories but she is uncertain.
They all rush forth. I cannot stop them. They are perfect like vivid photos protected by age. I am sorting them, filing them, giving life to my 'other life'. Who am I? What had happened on that fateful night? Would I ever know? These thoughts consumed me, filled me, and shaped my past, giving it new roads and more questions. I asked myself, could my thoughts form a dream to what now is lost?
The Reassurance
My husband wrapped his arm around me as we sat at the table watching them talk. My brother pours everyone more Soju as he listens to my sisters. I tell my husband how happy I am. They are laughing now and we laugh too. My Sister looks at me and smiles as if to say that everything was okay. KyungOk smiles at her and turns to me and says, "KyungMee, KyungSook scar, you scar, but me, no!" She smiles and repeats it again, "KyungMee, KyungSook scar, you scar, but me, no!". Everybody laughs. We laugh too.
Where is my husband? Oh yes, he is sitting tall on the small couch, peeking over, and a little removed from all the tears and laughter that encircled this table. I look over my shoulder to see him, to be reassured. He smiles back to me and I know where I am again. I feel home. I can feel my hand is wrapped in warmth and is protected. I turn and see her. She is holding my hand as she speaks, she is telling a story. My eyes circled the room, the table, and back to my sister, KyungSook. I heard the words fill the room but could not understand her. I felt frustrated but it did not seem to matter. All I wanted and needed was to know we all were there, together.
Then she spoke to me. "KyungMee. Yes. Scars. Here. Yes." My heart filled with immediate wave of emotions. She began speaking, pointing to her body, and redirecting my attention to her words. "KyungMee, Sorry before. True. Yes. Scars". My eyes filled with joy and then tears as they watched my sister and brother nod their heads in remembrance and forgiveness. I looked over to see my husband but he had already come to my side. He sat, smiled, and replied back to me. "She wants to let you know she remembers. You are not crazy". All I could think about was that she gave truth to my memory. My mind began to race as the old familiar thoughts rushed in with their open end questions. I wondered, why did she tell the translator earlier that she had no scars, that she never had a child nor was married before. Yes, she must have been embarrassed, shamed perhaps. It didn't matter. Time had stopped that night. Twenty some years I had waited to hear the word,"Yes"! I would get my answers another day. For that moment, this was all I needed.
It is All Blood to Me.
The night was closing in and the narrow street ways lit up with lanterns that hung along the store windows as if to show the festivals had begun. For us, it was late and we needed to head home. My eyes searched through the crowd as I felt my brother pulling me forth towards home. I glanced quickly as the puppet shows came and passed. I smiled at the men who sat there eating their noodle soups. I wanted to stop and eat the Ramen soups but was reminded with a little jerk that we were late.
As we approached our house, my brother and sister picked up their pace and headed towards the doors. I looked up to see my brother frozen, staring his eyes into me. I was scared. What did I do? I was tired and could not keep up but now I am here...what did I do? My sister grabbed his arm, pushed him aside, and peeked into the room. I realized that I did not do anything wrong? Something was wrong inside. I heard my oldest sister's voice crying. I wanted to see but my brother would only push me back. My sister pulled me away from the house doors, crying, "KyungMee, don't come here." "Wait. No!" What was wrong! I began to cry out loud. I could hear my oldest brother now. He is yelling at her. There is noise coming from inside the room. I hear it hitting the wall then the floor. My brother is sitting at the door crying. My sister is hugging him. Frustrated and feeling confused, I ran around them to push the doors open. As the paper doors slid apart, my brother grabbed my side and pulled me to him. I saw it. It was red. Red was everywhere. Then I heard my sister again. She was hurt. I sat next to my brother and sister crying and holding them close. I was too afraid to look. I did not understand. All I knew was red.
Memory My Dream
Time and time again, my thoughts go back to this memory. They click by like snap shots of an old reoccurring dream. I managed to block them until I reached my early teens. Then, once more, I could not hold them back. Pictures, flashes of red, telling me to revisit that moment. Every time, I rewind my thoughts, I came to the same conclusion. This was the moment that led to our separation. It was the last time we were all together. I then wonder, who was in the room? Was it my brother? Was it my sister's new husband? My mind goes back to my sister. Although, I cannot see her face, they are very clear now. I see her scars. I am sure this is not a dream. I tell my Mother of my visions and she recalls some old stories but she is uncertain.
They all rush forth. I cannot stop them. They are perfect like vivid photos protected by age. I am sorting them, filing them, giving life to my 'other life'. Who am I? What had happened on that fateful night? Would I ever know? These thoughts consumed me, filled me, and shaped my past, giving it new roads and more questions. I asked myself, could my thoughts form a dream to what now is lost?
The Reassurance
My husband wrapped his arm around me as we sat at the table watching them talk. My brother pours everyone more Soju as he listens to my sisters. I tell my husband how happy I am. They are laughing now and we laugh too. My Sister looks at me and smiles as if to say that everything was okay. KyungOk smiles at her and turns to me and says, "KyungMee, KyungSook scar, you scar, but me, no!" She smiles and repeats it again, "KyungMee, KyungSook scar, you scar, but me, no!". Everybody laughs. We laugh too.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Three Sisters - Visual Memory
Our Sister Rings
KyungSook & Me
KyungOk & ME
KyungOk & Me
Statue of Mother & her Children
Taken in Pusan after we met KyungSook
Three Sisters - Part Three
Three Sisters: 1st Letter from 경숙 / After Translation
April 27, 2004
My proud of KyungMee,
I really thanks to God for our reunion of family. In spite of suffering from separation of other people, it’s really God’s blessing that we meet each other which even I couldn't’t expect in my dream.
KyungMee, I heard that KyungOk preyed & begged to God everyday for our reunion, so it seems that God response to her pray. It remind me old memory that we were young, I bought all to market for buying noodle soup and rice cake. Also I can remember When you were 4~5 years old, you went Christmas event at the church and when you come back you were holding bag of treats and you had big smile on you face.
Do you think that I were comfortable during the long time when we were separated each other?
I always missed our family even in my dream and I felt guilty by myself. I can’t express with any word how I feel happy for our meeting. What can I change with my pleasure which small and young KyungMee show up in front of me after grown up and with husband ? I can imagine that you had hard time for getting over loneliness and pain in foreign land. I really appreciate to your parents in US that raised you very well and make you have today’s life.
KyungMee, I know that you couldn't’t forget the long period which making you struggling for meet again our family but you did well. Also, we finally met all together, so let’s forget the dark and painful old memory and do our best in our life for better and bright future. We can’t share all our happiness at once, let’s enjoy our happiness and glory day by day.
When I let you go away when you were young and small, I were also very exhausted.
I’m afraid it make you feel that it’s not good excuse, but I was also very young and being exhausted at that time.
I tried that taking good care of my brothers and sisters by myself in any case, but I couldn't’t so you can blame me about that. I sometimes resented our parents because they left us in the world when we were so young. I felt guilty about that I couldn't’t be a good shelter to my younger brothers and sisters as like big mountain.
KyungMee, As we meet all together, let’s love and take care each other. I hope that you be a mature, wise wife who can make husband succeed. Even both of you have a job, I hope you make more effort and good support for your husband. Always be patient, and everything must be return to your husband as a love.
As you know, we couldn't’t share love between parents and sister, brothers compare with other people. So I hope we share our loves with your husband and our siblings from now on.
KyungMee, we really appreciate to your husband’s family and your family in U.S and blessing for all of them.
You have a great job. Even you forget about your difficult and painful life, you taking care of more poor and weak neighbors, it seems really wonderful. KyungJin is working for construction company and KyungSun is working at ship. He just went out to ocean, so it’s going to be take 2 years for come back. KyungOk is working at home what making some part of cloth which get stuff from clothing company. I have run small shop, but I just closed because of my health condition.
I really feel sorry about that we separate again without enjoy our joyful meeting.
Also I couldn't’t talk to you what I want to talk with you because of my lack of ability.
KyungMee, even your job making you busy, I hope you study Korean as much as you can.
Also the gifts which you sent us, it was really good enough and they look really wonder and great who is in then picture which you sent us. Your mother looks so beautiful, elegance and lovely person in the picture which up loaded on Internet.
KyungMee, your family seems like gorgeous and lovely . I really blessing that you are a member of great family. I will pray for you and your family for blessing.
Bye.
KyungMee, the name of my sister which I want to call lots of time a day.
April 27, 2004
My proud of KyungMee,
I really thanks to God for our reunion of family. In spite of suffering from separation of other people, it’s really God’s blessing that we meet each other which even I couldn't’t expect in my dream.
KyungMee, I heard that KyungOk preyed & begged to God everyday for our reunion, so it seems that God response to her pray. It remind me old memory that we were young, I bought all to market for buying noodle soup and rice cake. Also I can remember When you were 4~5 years old, you went Christmas event at the church and when you come back you were holding bag of treats and you had big smile on you face.
Do you think that I were comfortable during the long time when we were separated each other?
I always missed our family even in my dream and I felt guilty by myself. I can’t express with any word how I feel happy for our meeting. What can I change with my pleasure which small and young KyungMee show up in front of me after grown up and with husband ? I can imagine that you had hard time for getting over loneliness and pain in foreign land. I really appreciate to your parents in US that raised you very well and make you have today’s life.
KyungMee, I know that you couldn't’t forget the long period which making you struggling for meet again our family but you did well. Also, we finally met all together, so let’s forget the dark and painful old memory and do our best in our life for better and bright future. We can’t share all our happiness at once, let’s enjoy our happiness and glory day by day.
When I let you go away when you were young and small, I were also very exhausted.
I’m afraid it make you feel that it’s not good excuse, but I was also very young and being exhausted at that time.
I tried that taking good care of my brothers and sisters by myself in any case, but I couldn't’t so you can blame me about that. I sometimes resented our parents because they left us in the world when we were so young. I felt guilty about that I couldn't’t be a good shelter to my younger brothers and sisters as like big mountain.
KyungMee, As we meet all together, let’s love and take care each other. I hope that you be a mature, wise wife who can make husband succeed. Even both of you have a job, I hope you make more effort and good support for your husband. Always be patient, and everything must be return to your husband as a love.
As you know, we couldn't’t share love between parents and sister, brothers compare with other people. So I hope we share our loves with your husband and our siblings from now on.
KyungMee, we really appreciate to your husband’s family and your family in U.S and blessing for all of them.
You have a great job. Even you forget about your difficult and painful life, you taking care of more poor and weak neighbors, it seems really wonderful. KyungJin is working for construction company and KyungSun is working at ship. He just went out to ocean, so it’s going to be take 2 years for come back. KyungOk is working at home what making some part of cloth which get stuff from clothing company. I have run small shop, but I just closed because of my health condition.
I really feel sorry about that we separate again without enjoy our joyful meeting.
Also I couldn't’t talk to you what I want to talk with you because of my lack of ability.
KyungMee, even your job making you busy, I hope you study Korean as much as you can.
Also the gifts which you sent us, it was really good enough and they look really wonder and great who is in then picture which you sent us. Your mother looks so beautiful, elegance and lovely person in the picture which up loaded on Internet.
KyungMee, your family seems like gorgeous and lovely . I really blessing that you are a member of great family. I will pray for you and your family for blessing.
Bye.
KyungMee, the name of my sister which I want to call lots of time a day.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Three Sisters - Part Two
Three Sisters: 1st letter from 경옥
April 2004 / After Translation
To my lovely KyungMi,
KyungMi, the time which we spend together already to be a remembrance.
I reflect on my old memory as like your story. It seems like that we lived together for the short time after mom and dad past away.
One day, someone told me that if I live in rich peoples’ house and then there are lots of delicious food and good stuff over there. After a few days later say that, KyungSuk , you and me , we went one rich people’s house. And then KyungSuk and you left me over there and going to leave without me. So I cried a lot and asked bring me together. At that time , three of us cried all together a lot. Then you gave me one plastic ring and said that “you must keep this ring well, and then we will meet again and let’s don’t forget each other.” It was last seen of you and me.
After that, I gown up in my foster parents house. I always feel gloomy and lonely, but I had lived with one hope that all our sisters and brothers going to be together on someday.
So I did not have any anger or mad as like you. Maybe I was little mature than you .
Only one thing I regret that our parents has passed away so early. I thought that KyungSuk have bad illness so she died. So I understand them , because even I was a old sister or old brother , I don’t have any way to keep us to be together.
The reason why I decided go to KBS broadcast that I want to looking for you than others.
So my dream was come true and you grown up well , so I thank you so much.
Also I really appreciate to your foster parents in USA.
If I have a chance , I want to say that how I thank you to them.
KyungMi,
After I met KyungSuk, I knew that she still alive and you adopted to America.
She thought that it is better let you adopted to good family who have more good condition to raise you well and she just keep in her mind that one day she will find you .
We never gave you up, it was just apart from each other for the short time since we were too poor. Especially, KyungSuk did not abandon you. She said that when she sent you adoption agency, you two cried a lot and she talk to you that just go take air plane and then come back soon and meet again (for make you comfort).
In my thought, I’m so proud that you have made it in a foreign land.
This is also not too late, so please keep in touch often, if possible let’s meet so that we can share our lost affection.
Our living level in here is ****, we are healthy and do our best for your nephews.
Your brother in law *** he working at small factory. KyungSuk’s husband is fish man (not owner of ship) , and second brother is working at construction part and old brother is working at an ocean-going ship so he is far away . But he knew that we met all together.
He also really expect meet you soon.
**************Also you parents looks like so nice and kind so I feel easy .
I can read from your face that you raised with love. Thanks you for that.
I feel the lack but going to stop here.
Kyung Mi, I love you....
I will write letter often and bye until we meet again.
From KyungOk
April 2004 / After Translation
To my lovely KyungMi,
KyungMi, the time which we spend together already to be a remembrance.
I reflect on my old memory as like your story. It seems like that we lived together for the short time after mom and dad past away.
One day, someone told me that if I live in rich peoples’ house and then there are lots of delicious food and good stuff over there. After a few days later say that, KyungSuk , you and me , we went one rich people’s house. And then KyungSuk and you left me over there and going to leave without me. So I cried a lot and asked bring me together. At that time , three of us cried all together a lot. Then you gave me one plastic ring and said that “you must keep this ring well, and then we will meet again and let’s don’t forget each other.” It was last seen of you and me.
After that, I gown up in my foster parents house. I always feel gloomy and lonely, but I had lived with one hope that all our sisters and brothers going to be together on someday.
So I did not have any anger or mad as like you. Maybe I was little mature than you .
Only one thing I regret that our parents has passed away so early. I thought that KyungSuk have bad illness so she died. So I understand them , because even I was a old sister or old brother , I don’t have any way to keep us to be together.
The reason why I decided go to KBS broadcast that I want to looking for you than others.
So my dream was come true and you grown up well , so I thank you so much.
Also I really appreciate to your foster parents in USA.
If I have a chance , I want to say that how I thank you to them.
KyungMi,
After I met KyungSuk, I knew that she still alive and you adopted to America.
She thought that it is better let you adopted to good family who have more good condition to raise you well and she just keep in her mind that one day she will find you .
We never gave you up, it was just apart from each other for the short time since we were too poor. Especially, KyungSuk did not abandon you. She said that when she sent you adoption agency, you two cried a lot and she talk to you that just go take air plane and then come back soon and meet again (for make you comfort).
In my thought, I’m so proud that you have made it in a foreign land.
This is also not too late, so please keep in touch often, if possible let’s meet so that we can share our lost affection.
Our living level in here is ****, we are healthy and do our best for your nephews.
Your brother in law *** he working at small factory. KyungSuk’s husband is fish man (not owner of ship) , and second brother is working at construction part and old brother is working at an ocean-going ship so he is far away . But he knew that we met all together.
He also really expect meet you soon.
**************Also you parents looks like so nice and kind so I feel easy .
I can read from your face that you raised with love. Thanks you for that.
I feel the lack but going to stop here.
Kyung Mi, I love you....
I will write letter often and bye until we meet again.
From KyungOk
Three Sisters - Part One in Translation
1st Letter to 경옥 Translated...an excerpt of original.
경옥언니,
언니 잘 지내고 있죠?
언니들 너무 많이 사랑하고 보고싶어요
그리고 지난번에 언니가 보내준 메일은 잘받았어요
제시카(남화성 : 통역해준) 가 언니편지를 번역해줘서 잘 보았어요
아마 한달전에 우리가 이렇게 편지를 주고 받을수 있을거라고 누가와서 얘기했다면 믿지 않았을거예요
우리가 서로만날 때가 되었었나봐요
우리가 큰언니를 만났을때, 언니가 아마 엄마 아빠가우리를 만날 수 있도록 도운거라고 했는데 정말 그런거 같아요
두달 만에 모두가 이렇게 만나건 정말 놀라운 일이예요
지난번 언니 집에서 다같이 모였을때 졸과저는 얘기한 모든 걸 이해할수는 없었지만 그 시간이우리에게는 얼마나 소중했는지 몰라요
그리고 언니가 우리에게 해줬던 모든것에 너무 고마뭐요
한 가족으로 같이 느끼며 울고 웃었던 그 시간들이 너무 행복했어요
처음 예전 살던 집에 도착했을때 서로 손잡고 어렸을때처럼 뛰어다녔던 그시간들을 영원히 잊지 못할거예요
오빠들에게도 제가 오빠들을 항상 생각하며 그리워하고 있다고 전해주세요
그리고 오빠들이 바느질 공장에서 일한것과 일이 끝나고 우리 함께 지냈던것도 다 생각이 나요
제가 잠자리를 잡는동안 오빠들이 바위에 앉아서 담배를 피던일, 언니 오빠들과 손잡고 시장을 걸어다녔던일, 그러다가 거기서 국수도 사먹고 인형극도 구경했던 일들이 제게는 너무 행복한 추억이예요
또 큰언니를 도와서 빨래를 하고 만두국 만드는걸 도왔던 것도 생각이 나네요
내가 얼마나 가루약과 가루우유를 삼키기 싫어했는지 기억해요
또 큰언니가 저녁시간때까지 우리가 돌아오지 않으면 화를냈었던것도 기억나요
언니, 내가 한국말을 더많이 배워서 잘하게되면 우리 가족들에 대해서 기억하고 있는 모든거 다 언니와 얘기하고 싶어요
큰언니에게도 제가 아주 많이 사랑한다고 전해주세요
큰언니가 절 입양기관에 데려다 주었을때, 언니를 다시 만나지 못한다는걸 그때는 몰랐어요
입양기관에서 입양되기 전까지 위탁모 집에 갔었는데 거기서 그분들이 절
잘보살펴 주셨어요
제가 거기 머무르는 동안 다른 아이들도 그곳에 있었는데 그 아이들은 저보다 먼저 입양되었던거 같아요 그이후에 새로운 아이들이 오고 또 입양되어 나가고 했었거든요
제 기억이 희미해서 맞는지 모르겠네요
한번은 거기서 수박을 먹었었는데 위탁모가 수박씨를 다 치우고 나서 제가 그 씨를 화단에 심도록 도와주시면서 그 수박이 커서 자라면 제가 생각날거라고 하신게 생각이나네요
그리고 위탁아버지가 일하실때 음료수를 가져다 드리고 위탁어머니가 요리하실때 야채 씻는걸 도와드리고 옆집 꼬마 남자애들과 근처에 있는 절 계단에 앉아서 스님들이 기도하는걸 구경했던 기억이나요
제가 미국으로 입양될때 위탁모가 절 시장으로 데려가 머리핀을 사주셨어요
그리고 미국으로 가는날 절 공항에 데려다 주실때 다른 어린 애들을 제가 안고 걸어가면서 울었던것 같아요 또 떠나게 된다는걸 알았었거든요
그때 위탁모가 저에게 울지 말라고 하시면서 다른 어린애들을 위해서 큰 언니가 되어야 한다고 하셨어요
그래서 울지 않으려고 했는데 멈출수가 없었어요
뭔가 아주 큰 일이 기다리고 있다는걸 알았고 전 그게 너무 무서웠어요
아주 멀리 가게 된다는걸 알고 있었지만 지구 반대편으로 가서 살게 될거라고는 몰랐거든요
또 돌봐주신 그 위탁부, 위탁모가 너무 좋아서 또다시 그분들과 헤어지게 되는게 너무 싫었어요
그날이 제가 잊을 수 없는 두번째로 중요한 날이었어요
자라면서 큰언니가 절 입양기관에 데려다 주었을때 제가 울었었는지 기억이 나질않아요 만약 제가 많이 울었으면 언니를 너무나 그리워한다고 생각했을텐데 혹시 제가 울지않아서 내가 언니를 원망하거나 언니에게 화가 났다고 큰언니가 생각할까봐 죄책감이 많이 들었어요
사실 처음에 입양되었을 때에는 언니가 절 입양보낸거에 대해서 화가 났었어요 오빠들이 저랑 같이 있기를 원하고 또 오빠들이 절 보살펴 줄 수
있을거라고 생각했거든요
언니가 입양기관에 저를 데려다 준 날은 제가 결코 잊지 못할 가장 중요한 날이었어요 그날은 제가 어렸을때를 항상 생각하게 하는 날이예요
제가 언니 오빠들과 왜 같이 지낼 수 없었는지 항상 궁금하고 의아했어요
저를 입양하신 부모님들은 우리집이 너무 가난해서 우리 모두를 다 돌볼수가 없어서 그랬거나 아니면 제가 좀더 나은 삶을 살기를 원해서 그랬을 거라고 하셨지만 저는 제가 뭘 잘못해서 절 멀리 보낸게 아닌가 궁금했어요
자라면서 언니를 원망하지는 않았지만 언니가 제가 얼마나 언니를 생각하고 우리가 함께 하게되기를 바라는지 알아주기를 바랬어요
저는 큰언니가 제가 언니를 엄마처럼 생각했었다는걸 알았으면 좋겠어요
저는 우리 지난 가족들 얘기를 더 알고싶고 언니가 제가 알지못하는 우리가족의 지난 얘기를 다 알수있도록 도와줬으면 좋겠어요
이제 저도 어른이 되었고 큰언니가 얼마나 많은 힘든 결정을 내려야했는지
이해할수 있고 언니는 정말 강하고 대단한 사람인것 같아요********************
***************경미드림
경옥언니,
언니 잘 지내고 있죠?
언니들 너무 많이 사랑하고 보고싶어요
그리고 지난번에 언니가 보내준 메일은 잘받았어요
제시카(남화성 : 통역해준) 가 언니편지를 번역해줘서 잘 보았어요
아마 한달전에 우리가 이렇게 편지를 주고 받을수 있을거라고 누가와서 얘기했다면 믿지 않았을거예요
우리가 서로만날 때가 되었었나봐요
우리가 큰언니를 만났을때, 언니가 아마 엄마 아빠가우리를 만날 수 있도록 도운거라고 했는데 정말 그런거 같아요
두달 만에 모두가 이렇게 만나건 정말 놀라운 일이예요
지난번 언니 집에서 다같이 모였을때 졸과저는 얘기한 모든 걸 이해할수는 없었지만 그 시간이우리에게는 얼마나 소중했는지 몰라요
그리고 언니가 우리에게 해줬던 모든것에 너무 고마뭐요
한 가족으로 같이 느끼며 울고 웃었던 그 시간들이 너무 행복했어요
처음 예전 살던 집에 도착했을때 서로 손잡고 어렸을때처럼 뛰어다녔던 그시간들을 영원히 잊지 못할거예요
오빠들에게도 제가 오빠들을 항상 생각하며 그리워하고 있다고 전해주세요
그리고 오빠들이 바느질 공장에서 일한것과 일이 끝나고 우리 함께 지냈던것도 다 생각이 나요
제가 잠자리를 잡는동안 오빠들이 바위에 앉아서 담배를 피던일, 언니 오빠들과 손잡고 시장을 걸어다녔던일, 그러다가 거기서 국수도 사먹고 인형극도 구경했던 일들이 제게는 너무 행복한 추억이예요
또 큰언니를 도와서 빨래를 하고 만두국 만드는걸 도왔던 것도 생각이 나네요
내가 얼마나 가루약과 가루우유를 삼키기 싫어했는지 기억해요
또 큰언니가 저녁시간때까지 우리가 돌아오지 않으면 화를냈었던것도 기억나요
언니, 내가 한국말을 더많이 배워서 잘하게되면 우리 가족들에 대해서 기억하고 있는 모든거 다 언니와 얘기하고 싶어요
큰언니에게도 제가 아주 많이 사랑한다고 전해주세요
큰언니가 절 입양기관에 데려다 주었을때, 언니를 다시 만나지 못한다는걸 그때는 몰랐어요
입양기관에서 입양되기 전까지 위탁모 집에 갔었는데 거기서 그분들이 절
잘보살펴 주셨어요
제가 거기 머무르는 동안 다른 아이들도 그곳에 있었는데 그 아이들은 저보다 먼저 입양되었던거 같아요 그이후에 새로운 아이들이 오고 또 입양되어 나가고 했었거든요
제 기억이 희미해서 맞는지 모르겠네요
한번은 거기서 수박을 먹었었는데 위탁모가 수박씨를 다 치우고 나서 제가 그 씨를 화단에 심도록 도와주시면서 그 수박이 커서 자라면 제가 생각날거라고 하신게 생각이나네요
그리고 위탁아버지가 일하실때 음료수를 가져다 드리고 위탁어머니가 요리하실때 야채 씻는걸 도와드리고 옆집 꼬마 남자애들과 근처에 있는 절 계단에 앉아서 스님들이 기도하는걸 구경했던 기억이나요
제가 미국으로 입양될때 위탁모가 절 시장으로 데려가 머리핀을 사주셨어요
그리고 미국으로 가는날 절 공항에 데려다 주실때 다른 어린 애들을 제가 안고 걸어가면서 울었던것 같아요 또 떠나게 된다는걸 알았었거든요
그때 위탁모가 저에게 울지 말라고 하시면서 다른 어린애들을 위해서 큰 언니가 되어야 한다고 하셨어요
그래서 울지 않으려고 했는데 멈출수가 없었어요
뭔가 아주 큰 일이 기다리고 있다는걸 알았고 전 그게 너무 무서웠어요
아주 멀리 가게 된다는걸 알고 있었지만 지구 반대편으로 가서 살게 될거라고는 몰랐거든요
또 돌봐주신 그 위탁부, 위탁모가 너무 좋아서 또다시 그분들과 헤어지게 되는게 너무 싫었어요
그날이 제가 잊을 수 없는 두번째로 중요한 날이었어요
자라면서 큰언니가 절 입양기관에 데려다 주었을때 제가 울었었는지 기억이 나질않아요 만약 제가 많이 울었으면 언니를 너무나 그리워한다고 생각했을텐데 혹시 제가 울지않아서 내가 언니를 원망하거나 언니에게 화가 났다고 큰언니가 생각할까봐 죄책감이 많이 들었어요
사실 처음에 입양되었을 때에는 언니가 절 입양보낸거에 대해서 화가 났었어요 오빠들이 저랑 같이 있기를 원하고 또 오빠들이 절 보살펴 줄 수
있을거라고 생각했거든요
언니가 입양기관에 저를 데려다 준 날은 제가 결코 잊지 못할 가장 중요한 날이었어요 그날은 제가 어렸을때를 항상 생각하게 하는 날이예요
제가 언니 오빠들과 왜 같이 지낼 수 없었는지 항상 궁금하고 의아했어요
저를 입양하신 부모님들은 우리집이 너무 가난해서 우리 모두를 다 돌볼수가 없어서 그랬거나 아니면 제가 좀더 나은 삶을 살기를 원해서 그랬을 거라고 하셨지만 저는 제가 뭘 잘못해서 절 멀리 보낸게 아닌가 궁금했어요
자라면서 언니를 원망하지는 않았지만 언니가 제가 얼마나 언니를 생각하고 우리가 함께 하게되기를 바라는지 알아주기를 바랬어요
저는 큰언니가 제가 언니를 엄마처럼 생각했었다는걸 알았으면 좋겠어요
저는 우리 지난 가족들 얘기를 더 알고싶고 언니가 제가 알지못하는 우리가족의 지난 얘기를 다 알수있도록 도와줬으면 좋겠어요
이제 저도 어른이 되었고 큰언니가 얼마나 많은 힘든 결정을 내려야했는지
이해할수 있고 언니는 정말 강하고 대단한 사람인것 같아요********************
***************경미드림
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